Forgotten

Things never quite seem right lately.
I try to put it down as bad circumstance,
but it doesn't want to quiet the noise inside.
I want to disappear,
to retreat into myself & be reborn.
But I know that only I can make that leap,
and I can't let go of the rope.
Hope.
Trust.
What is it all for?
After all,
in the end,
aren't we all alone?
Only accountable for ourselves,
only responsible for our own soul.
Damn,
I'm in trouble.
Things aren't as easy to express as they used to be.
I can't open my mind long enough to say the things that need to be said.
I've let my heart control my mind,
and now it won't give any back.
Not that listening & hearing my heart are bad,
but it obviously isn't infallible.
Nothing in this life is.
Except death & taxes.
Those things will always hang over my head,
reminding me in the end we're all just worm food for the earth.
And I like that.
Knowing that one day I will contribute to the fertilization of this planet.
Unless I'm reduced to ash,
which will lead me back to the sea.
The tides will carry me far & wide,
ripples pulling & pushing my particles to eternity.
My soul without a vessel,
I'll fade into nothingness,
pleased with the silence surrounding me.
Slowly, I drift into void of empty,
the sounds of the spheres calling me to everlasting quiet.
Perpetrating this illusion of life will be the end for me.
Time to say goodbye.

10/9/05

Yeah.
In opening up,
I feel like I've closed yet another door.
But who am I?
Why do I smile?
Happiness is a luxury I can't afford.
Not even on credit.
Piecing together the fragments of my reality,
I've gotta use super glue to keep it all together.
And even then,
nothing fits right.
Why?
I smile,
a faux front to my inner struggle.
I was raised to be strong.
I will continue to be strong.
Even when it kills me.
Any new feeling is snubbed right away,
I don't have room.
Like a sold out hotel,
I wave the newness away from me.
Shoo, don't bother me.
I don't think I know what feelings are.
I can't say for sure,
maybe I'm a robot,
or this is all a dream.
If I cut myself,
I bleed & feel the pain.
But it subsides so quickly,
so quietly through my mind.
There's only one thing I can focus on,
and he's my reason to go on.
Is this for real?
Why?
It can't be a test,
I've already proved I'll fail.
So what now?
Why am I asking you?

Apparitions

Spectres.
Ghosts.
Slivers of hope,
splinters of sorrow.
They reach out to me,
asking "Why?"
I can't help them,
how could I?
A faint shadow passes over my mind,
growing restless in the dank, dark crevices of my thoughts.
Over and over,
I hear the voices call to me.
And I ignore.
Avoid.
Try to block out the noise.
Noise.
Too many sounds blast through my ego,
ripping apart the calm of my soul.
I close my inner eyes,
focus on the light in the middle of my head.
The colors run together,
forming shades no one has ever dreamed of.
Pointed in a vast rainbow of thought,
my minds slips deeper past the dam of my inhibitions.
I shiver,
as if the power has drained from me.
Deeper, deeper I dive,
until there I cannot move any further.
The colors begin to fade, to fuzz together.
White is all I can see now,
and it quickly fades to static.
The noise surrounds my body & mind,
I scream out, in silence.
Past the point of no return,
I give in to my self, and reform my self.

7/31/05

It's dark in here.
Dark as night,
cool as winter,
silent as the moon.
No one can hear my screams,
there is no echo.
Where am I?
What have I done to deserve this?
Can't you see,
it's a waste of time to worry.
Stress.
What a joke.
We all put in as much as we give out,
or at least hope so.
I've been trying to make sense of all the shit in my life,
and found one thing out.
There's no sense in any of it.
ANY OF IT.
So why fight?
Why try to understand & make reasonable?
Maybe because that's what it's all about.
Fighting.
We learn best when we're under pressure,
like a deadline or a gun to our heads.
Ok, that's a lot of pressure.
But it gets done, right?
Maybe I'm overreacting.
Or just overanalyzing.
God knows I'm good at that.
It just seems,
everyone else is happy,
and I should be too.
But nothing seems to do it for me.
Is it something inside that just isn't willing to cave?
Not ready for me to be who I know I am?
Who am I?
Where am I?
Why am I?
None of it matters, really.
I can keep this smile on my face,
and yeah,
be happy to the extent that I know I can.
Don't worry,
don't try to cheer me up.
I'm good,
really.

Party of One

A guy I used to know named Jason Hauser wrote the first verse & chorus, and asked me to write more. I didn't really follow his style, but it turned out alright. Please keep in mind, I was really into NIN at this time & Tool was one of my new favorites. Very dark & sad, really. Too much blow & alchohol, methinks! Well, at least the alchohol. And the blow. Really, it was the blow. Did I mention the blow?


Party of One

I lay myself down once again,
taken back by the voices in my head.
The speak of sin...and I
make my way back to old temptation,
give into new sensations,
spending time by myself I think I'll turn the lights down.....

(Chorus I)
And is the what I've become?
A broken man come undone?
Chewing on glass and wood and stone, I sup away...
No second chances, I've missed my first..
Things seem better but just get worse,
no time for layin' to waste.
And I'm runnin' late for my....
Party of One
(End Chorus I)

Can it be I've misplaced myself?
I cry out, but no one wants to help.
Alone again, trapped in this sphere,
I close my eyes and disappear.
The hours of life pass swiftly by,
I close my eyes & begin to cry...

I can't remember the past I had,
I bide my time and slowly go mad.
The voices grow louder from time to time,
ancient songs that invade my mind.
I scream in pain, agony, & rage,
Knowing my life has reached the last page.

(Chorus II)
It's all over, the damage is done,
I find myself aching for the heat of the sun.
With open eyes, the light blinds my soul.
I try to resist, but have no control.
I brace myself for the paint that's to come,
the hurt that becomes my party of one.
(End Chorus II)


So, yeah, that was really Trent Reznor, eh? Thought this would be entertain me, or you, or somebody. And is it just me, or do I really like the word "sphere"? I mean, if I could use it more than once in a song, I think the whole song would be named "Sphere". Anyhoo, enjoy, will post some original new shite soon!

Tears of Joy

So, haven't really been in the eloquent mood lately, but I decided I would post a song I wrote about a million years ago.....would love to hear feedback, not like I'm trying to sell the thing, but I like the input! For the record, I know that it's not gold record caliber, but I think it's at least catchy!!!


Tears of Joy

I'm in the shadows without her,
everything is cold and dark in my sphere.
She's so far away from me,
but always one kiss from here.
I whisper her name softly,
and cry for her return,
soon we will be together,
and then our hears shall burn.

(Chorus)

Can you feel it in your heart?
Does it make you sing?
Loving you from the start,
my feelings inside you bring....
You and I were made for each other,
I knew that all along.
Rain will never fall in our world,
only Tears of Joy.

(End Chorus)

The weeks and months pass by at a glance,
and laugh at all the time.
Holding you forever with me,
You were always meant to be mine.
Like petals on a flower,
love is fragrant and fragile.
Thank you for being a beacon,
in the storm of my desire.

(Repeat Chorus)


Sappy, i know, but what the hell, it's better than this second one. I'll post that one next, just to keep each post to a polite size.