10/9/05

Yeah.
In opening up,
I feel like I've closed yet another door.
But who am I?
Why do I smile?
Happiness is a luxury I can't afford.
Not even on credit.
Piecing together the fragments of my reality,
I've gotta use super glue to keep it all together.
And even then,
nothing fits right.
Why?
I smile,
a faux front to my inner struggle.
I was raised to be strong.
I will continue to be strong.
Even when it kills me.
Any new feeling is snubbed right away,
I don't have room.
Like a sold out hotel,
I wave the newness away from me.
Shoo, don't bother me.
I don't think I know what feelings are.
I can't say for sure,
maybe I'm a robot,
or this is all a dream.
If I cut myself,
I bleed & feel the pain.
But it subsides so quickly,
so quietly through my mind.
There's only one thing I can focus on,
and he's my reason to go on.
Is this for real?
Why?
It can't be a test,
I've already proved I'll fail.
So what now?
Why am I asking you?